[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
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Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Omg 🤣
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.