Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
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ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.