Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
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You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]