The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
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I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
When you kidnap a writer.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
my one true gender
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct