He-man has a Masters degree
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I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta: