Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
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My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple