Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
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I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
My apartment is a mess, I should move
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi