Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
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Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
pictures of spider-man