I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
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People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
dream blunt rotation
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster: