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as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*