I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
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I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Lmfao
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.