[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
You Might Also Like
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.