If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
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The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Uh oh…
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”