BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
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Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”