My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
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Wait a minute
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.