Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
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Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes