Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
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“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Another interesting #factupdates post!
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Whoa 😂
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
sigh
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Teach your children to beatbox
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
About to go for a run, because shoplifting