*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
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I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one