The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
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Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Attacked by a mop.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.