Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
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I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
it is time once again
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
shit just got real
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.