it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
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Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.