Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
You Might Also Like
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.