When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
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Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.