Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
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In banana years, I am bread.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.