I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
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There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.