reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
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Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short