You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
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Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
found my next D&D character name
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.