So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
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Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.