“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
You Might Also Like
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike