I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
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I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Stop.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
What?
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?