Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
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YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”