Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
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You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
How does one answer this?
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
I hope Alan is OK