By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
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6. me as a lawyer
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
True
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Feels
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.