Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
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Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth