My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
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ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
My Guy
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*