SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
You Might Also Like
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?