When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
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My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
adding to the discourse
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once