going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
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*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
And bowling should be called pinball
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks