My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
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One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Things will get butter, keep churning
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid