I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
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I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.