Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
You Might Also Like
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
me linking you to my twitter
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either