Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
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When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Love this guy
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.