I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
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Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.