Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
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People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’