If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
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My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator