The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
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Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I didn’t realize that was an option
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you