If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
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You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
My purse is deeper than some people.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.