I wish I were this cool 😂
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It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Nice try, poison.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
This guy’s not having it 😆
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.