Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
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My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
it was a valiant fight
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.