[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
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The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
This rocks
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
I told my vodka about you.
same bro